Complaint about police

This is a genuine complaint to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Police Force from an angry member of the public

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True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

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Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having
spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at xxxxxxxxx police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and
try e-mailing you instead.


Perhaps you would be so kind as
to pass this message on to your colleagues in xxxxxxxxx, by means of
smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this
e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call
them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in
xxxxxxxxx.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The
remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I
fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.

I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What
I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda
car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I
trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
????

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Mr ???,

I
have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16
hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for xxxxxxxxx Police
station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?

In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst
I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
xxxxxxxxx, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without
due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to
explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these
twits that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should
you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?


P.S
If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

class im glad i took the time to read this was worth it

Admin wrote:class im glad i took the time to read this was worth it

yea its a bit long but very slags the police off big style the guy that wrote it was well annoyed that it was leaked!!

The best bit is he was scottish lol which is weird becase most of the scotts i have met dont have a sence of humor (i like scots before i get shouted at lol)